I Am 11

I am eleven years old. It’s a Saturday night and me and my sister are at our dad’s. To be more accurate I’m under the window of the bedroom we share, reading a comic while my sister is on the other side of the bedroom door trying to get in. Doing his best to prevent... Continue Reading →

She’s The One

Terry holds up his bus pass for inspection, doing his best to replicate the broad grin on its photo. Unimpressed the driver waves him on, his dead eyes already on the old lady behind. “Aren’t you gonna check it?” Terry asks. The driver glances back at him, “you getting on or what?” “I’m just saying,... Continue Reading →

Alarm

SMOKING IN THE TOILETS WILL ACTIVATE THE ALARM But will it though? I thought, will it? They've probably just written that to scare people. There's no alarm in here any more than there was a magic dye in the swimming pool when I was young. Turns out I was wrong. There's an alarm all right.... Continue Reading →

The Smack

He’s late, but then he always is. It probably doesn’t help that I’m always early, but there you go. It’s hot. One of those days where it feels like the pavement’s going to catch fire. I could really go a pint and I’m half tempted to just go ahead and order. It feels wrong sitting... Continue Reading →

I Am 26

I am 26 years old. I moved to Sweden a little over a year ago and have just completed my Swedish language course. According to my school I can now speak Swedish to a reasonable level. They’re wrong though, I can’t. Unless I’m drunk, I find Swedish quite intimidating. I do my best, but my... Continue Reading →

I Am 5

I am five years old. Our family day out at the seaside has ended badly. In seething silence my parents march me up the concrete ramps that cross the train tracks at Chalkwell train station. They're annoyed, very annoyed. It's all my fault as they make abundantly clear whenever there is no one else around.... Continue Reading →

White Honky Afro

Adam Clayton isn’t happy. I don’t need all this again, he thinks. “I vant we go disco,” Bono repeats in his camp Teutonic voice. Clayton hadn’t enjoyed U2's ‘irony years’, not one bit. He looks around at the rest of the band who deny him eye contact. I’m alone, he thinks, there’s no chance unless... Continue Reading →

Masterchef

“She’s burnt that beef,” Iggy says. “Her presentation skills aren't up to much either,” Bowie replies. “Yeah, but she can learn that, burning beef, that’s a basic error, she’s going home.” “Have I ever told you about the Kobe beef I was served on my first visit to Japan?” Bowie asks. Iggy turns his gaze... Continue Reading →

Golden Years

“He’s outside now. I can see him through the window,” Florence tells the policewoman on the other end of the line. “Okay. Is this the same man as last time, Florence?” the policewoman asks. “Call me Flo dear, everybody calls me Flo.” “The man outside Flo, is he the same person you reported last Monday?”... Continue Reading →

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